Mama-Protect Your Peace

One of the ways I find my peace.

Today I had a baby sitter for a few hours  for the first time in over a week because I was home sick taking care of sick kids.  My husband is home now with said cold, and thus can be there if the babysitter has any questions.  Yet still, it took me thirty minutes to get out of the house.  I vowed to go and slowly groom my horse, spend time exercising her, and take her for a ride into the mountains to get some peace and quiet.  Do you know how many times I thought about checking in on things?  Too many.

 I have learned after what took almost six years, that I must create time that is just for me in the name of peace of body mind and spirit.  It doesn’t always happen, but sometimes it’s there, whereas in the past, I walked around with the burden of thinking I had to do everything.

This burden, this cage, was created by myself.
It is up to me, to create time and space for me.

I have learned, after many years of taking care of everything, that I set it up this way, and no one is going to help me unless I ask.  Of course-there are friends-who show up-and recognize you’re overwhelmed.  Of course, there is family who will see you need an extra hand.  Yet still, the magnitude of what a mother (any mother) must think about whether she stays at home all day or balances work and home, is tremendous.  She needs help.

To protect your peace, you must:

• Let go of the victim/martyr story.
  • The victim is at odds with her environment.  The victim feels that life is happening to her.  Martyr mother does it all, and sometimes she resents others when they don’t help her. 
  • There are no victims, only volunteers.  This does not mean that when something challenging happens in your life, it’s your fault.  However, if you don’t ask for help, and you need it, that is in fact, on you for not advocating for yourself.
  • The victim asks for help through complaining, lashing out, health issues, depression, etc.
  • You have a choice.  You are worthy of help.  Ask for it.
• Kick guilt to the curb and acknowledge your value and the value of you being nurtured.
  • Guilt, sadly, is a companion that many mothers shoulder.  They may think:  They aren’t feeding their kids the best food, they aren’t spending enough time with them, they aren’t doing…. enough.  Guilt, is one thing that will block a mother, from asking for time to herself.  She doesn’t deserve it.  She doesn’t contribute enough because she is a stay at home mom and she isn’t making money.  She doesn’t….
  • Kick guilt to the curb, and recognize your worth.  Consideration, healthy criticism and discernment, is healthy and natural.  Guilt does nothing but weigh you down.  It contributes to depression, lack of motivation, sadness, and even isolation.
  • Surround yourself with mothers and friends who don’t add to your guilt pile.  If you find the company, you are keeping is mothers who criticize or shame you-be gone with them-surround yourself with people who lift you up not weigh you down.
  • If social media makes you feel worse then here’s something to consider. If you’re comparing yourself to other mothers, it’s because you’re judging yourself (and anticipating they’d judge you).  So, first, drop the judgement.  Second, surround yourself with people who lift you up-even on your social media-not who make you feel worse  Lastly-anyone who must seemingly boast about how well they’re doing it probably feels just as judged as you hence the display.  (Or consider this-maybe they're just proud of themselves-and would we not be doing mothers a disservice by not applauding them?).   Regardless, remember feeling good about you starts inside YOU.
• Ask for help and most importantly let people help you.
  • So simple yet so hard.  Ask for help.  This can look a lot of ways.  Hire a babysitter.  You think you don’t have enough money?  Are you burnt out?  Which will cost more?  A babysitter, or you being completely depleted with health issues, or depressed, or riddled with anxiety from lack of self-care?  You are worth it.  Ask for help from friends.  Create a babysitting trade with another mom.  Get creative in the name of self-care.  Then-let people help you.
• Recognize your needs, and what your limits are.
  • Know your limits.  Know when you are hitting a place where you must get some time alone, or however that looks for you to call upon peace.  If you are feeling yourself hit a place of depletion, set yourself up for help.  Know your needs.  What your priorities are to find peace.  For me, it’s getting in nature and riding a horse.  It resets everything for me and I come back better for everyone.
• Let others do things their way.
  • Part of letting go is letting your partner, or your friend, or your sitter be with your child the way they do things.  They may not do it perfect, they certainly won’t do it like you, but trust in your discernment in terms of the people you call on for help, and then let them help you by letting go.
  • This is one of the biggest blocks I’ve seen with mothers. “I’m not comfortable with anyone else being with my kid”.  “I don’t want someone else raising my child” (that was me by the way with my first and it yielded many years without any help-and it didn’t serve me or my relationship well-at all).Yes, I get it, believe me, I get it.  However, if you want to have time away from your kids, time for yourself, time for your relationship, you have to trust people with your children.  I’m not saying hand them off to the next person you find, but choose with discernment, and let go.
• Surround yourself with positive peeps.
  • Since I have become a mother, my friend circle dwindled for a bit.  I came to recognize that anyone who thought it was okay to vent at will into my space, or to throw tantrums, or invite drama, was not worthy of my time or attention.  Look, I’m a mother-my children vent, throw tantrums, and sometimes invite drama, I certainly don’t need more people doing that.  The same goes for you.  Surround yourself with people who lift you up.
  • Ignore mommy wars.  Remember, people who point the finger out are pointing it to themselves as well.  The way they judge you, is the way they judge themselves, and guess what they have to live with that person, every single day of their life.  They are hurting too.  Source your happiness from the inside.  Stay ashore from the mommy wars.
  • Be a friend to other mothers.  Let people know your heart.  Have a friend you can be real with.  For me this was one of the most soothing presences in my life-a mother I could tell anything to-and not feel judged.  Thank god for her and she knows who she is!

Listen, I’ve been there.  Everything I list above, I have done.  Some more often than I’d like to admit.  And I watched the toll it took on my body, my mind, my spirit, and my relationship.  No time to myself, my health declined, my adrenals were completely shot, and I lost a great sense of who I am.   Nobody wins when mama is depleted.  My relationship suffered from lack of time together.  My confidence suffered.  My heart suffered.  I felt so disconnected from who I was, who I used to be.  I would not let myself have that time.  Deep down, to go from working woman, to stay at home mom, I simply did not feel I was contributing enough.  I felt I shouldn’t spend money on childcare, so I didn’t.  Yet, all the while, I was on 24/7 with my child, breastfeeding, baby wearing, being super-duper present.   

After my health challenge with adrenal issues and autoimmune issues, I realized enough is enough.  I focused on my health, started letting childcare in, set up a babysitting swap with a friend, started having more dates with my husband, and began to create space for my peace.  It may have only been a handful of hours a week, and that was enough to start-it was something.  Soon I learned what I needed, I prioritized, I did the things I speak of above, and I recognized I was the best advocate for my wellbeing.  

Protecting my peace is a lot of things for me.  It means knowing the importance of me getting a break. It means listening to my heart and surrounding myself with people who are kind to it.    I value my role as a mother, and remind myself daily the amount of energy I put out to take the best care I can of my children.   I find healthy outlets if I’m feeling burnt out, and I do my best to get that energy out of my body. 
Listen, no one is going to protect your peace for you.  Life with kids is sometimes chaotic and intense.  It can be tremendously draining.  Not everyone has the resources for childcare, nannies, housecleaners etc., and I get that.  However, the first step, is recognizing the importance of your peace.  Even if it’s an hour in the morning before your child/children get up, or an hour at night, you must create a space for you, and protect it.  Your children will benefit, your relationship will benefit, and mama, you’re worth it.

Mamas, if you would love help creating strategies to protect your peace in your day to day life, check out my one on one sessions that are designed to help you find more balance, harmony, and value in your role as mama.

©Michelle Peterson 2016

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